25 November 2014 @ 10:27 pm
Title: Upside Down
Author: [livejournal.com profile] kaossbells & [livejournal.com profile] mcsparklez
Beta: the wonderful [livejournal.com profile] gypsyjaeger
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Belldom
Summary: Based on the mkmeme prompt: A rich music collector has almost everything he ever craved for, almost. One special object is still missing in his collection: Matthew Bellamy!
Warnings: language, violence
Feedback: Is like Matt Bellamy bathing in red glitter; fabulous.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and has never happened. We do not own any of the people mentioned and do not mean to offend.
A/N: Super quick update, we hope you enjoy.


[Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3a] [Chapter 3b] [Chapter 4] [Chapter 5a] [Chapter 5b] [Chapter 6] [Chapter 7a] [Chapter 7b] [Chapter 8] [Chapter 9] [Chapter 10a] [Chapter 10b] [Chapter 10c] [Chapter 10d] [Chapter 11] [Chapter 12a] [Chapter 12b] [Chapter 13] [Chapter 14a] [Chapter 14b] [AO3]



07.10.2013

Dom woke with a start in the middle of the night. He looked around confused and tried to figure out what exactly had woken him in such a fashion. It hadn’t been a nightmare, at least he couldn’t remember having one, and he was still tucked under his blankets, so it wasn’t the biting cold of an October night in London either. His eyes fell on the digital clock on his bedside table that indicated it was only just past 3 am. The blonde sighed and closed his eyes.

However, he couldn’t fall back asleep anymore. He turned onto his side and stared at the clock, watching the minutes tick by. He somehow felt uneasy and restless, as if there was something bothering him in the back of his mind. He remembered his fight with Matt the previous evening and pulled one of the pillows over his head.

Not his proudest moment, he had to admit, but at the same time he couldn’t feel remorse or guilt for shouting at the brunette. He was one of the most patient people, friends had told him as much, but even he had a breaking point. And it seemed like he was coming closer and closer to it. Yes, Matt was the one who’d been abducted and gone through hell, but so had Dom. A rollercoaster of emotions from the day on he’d seen the first police car in Matt’s street, there hadn’t been a single moment of peace until he had watched Matt sleeping in his tiny hospital bed.

With a deep sigh he got out of bed and winced when his bare feet hit the cold floor. Only clad in his boxers, his body craved the warm cocoon of his bed and the comfort of sleep. But his mind told him he had other things to do. More important things. He felt the urge to check on Matt, see if the singer was still up and then sit down with him, try to have a proper talk with him instead of shouting. Yes, he’d tried that many times, but he didn’t know what else to do. Maybe this time they’d get it right, they had to.

He padded down the corridor quietly and stopped at the door to Matt’s room. It was still slightly ajar, but the light was turned off. So maybe he’d finally found his preferable choice for the night. He thought about going back to bed himself, but he needed to see Matt asleep, the only time he ever looked peaceful anymore. He grabbed the doorknob and pushed it open ever so slowly, mindful not to make any noise that could wake the singer, and walked into the room.

The bed was empty. He had heard Matt turning in his bed just hours ago, but now it was made, the sheets looking almost untouched. Dom’s brows furrowed in confusion and he left the room to head to the kitchen, fully expecting the singer to sit at the table and get some alcohol into his system to drown out the thoughts that seemed to constantly swirl in his head nowadays. But no, the kitchen was dark and empty, no singer present.

“Matt?” he called softly, but there was no reply. He didn’t want to panic, but he could feel his body beginning to shake with nerves.

He strode into the living room and checked for any signs of the brunette, but it looked exactly the same it had when Dom had left it to go to bed. His head turned to the terrace door and he wrenched it open, running over to Matt’s favourite place under the tree. The wind was biting, but the disappointment of Matt’s spot being empty cut him even deeper. Matt was gone.

He ran back inside and up the stairs, taking 2 steps at a time to get back to his bedroom. His phone was located next to the digital clock and he grabbed it with shaking hands, dialling the one number he knew by heart. It took a long time to connect, and once it did, Dom nearly had a heart attack when he heard a familiar ringtone chime in another room. He traced it back to Matt’s room, where the mobile device lay vibrating and flashing with a picture of him grinning into the camera. He ended the call, and Matt’s phone quietened down, a small LED light indicating that it had a missed call. The darkness was almost suffocating in this moment.

He stared at the phone with unseeing eyes before he turned around abruptly and ran through the house again. He checked in every single room, his panic doubling every time his hopes of finding Matt were crushed. Variations of his name and “This isn’t funny, stop it!” echoed through the halls, but Dom had to come to terms with the fact that this was no joke. Matt didn’t hide to piss him off or scare him. He had left and didn’t want to be found.

In record time Dom got dressed in whatever clothes he could find, dark blue skinnies and a pink flowered shirt that didn’t match at all, but he couldn’t care less at the moment. He didn’t bother with a jacket, either, even though he knew how cold it was. He was out of his place within a flash and ran down the street, his phone pressed to his ear to call Chris.

The bassist picked up after a couple of rings, clearly pissed that Dom had woken him at this time of the night if the grumpy tone of his voice was anything to go by.

“Matt’s gone,” Dom wailed into the receiver as an alternate way of greeting.

“What?” Instantly Chris sounded a lot more awake and alarmed. “What do you mean, he’s gone?”

“We fought. I… Fuck, I confronted him yesterday, we shouted and argued. He’s not at home anymore. I think he ran away.” He looked around the street, not even knowing where to start looking. He felt so helpless. “I don’t know where he is. I’m scared.”

“Have you called him yet?”

“His phone’s at home, he left it there. I don’t know where he is,” he repeated. “I’m so scared. Chris, help.”

They decided to split up and look for Matt separately. Frankly, they had no idea where to look. If Matt didn’t want to be found, they wouldn’t find him. Dom didn’t want to think of what it could mean. Maybe Matt would be back tomorrow like he always was when they had a row and he fucked off to god knows where. But given the state of mind the singer was in nowadays he didn’t know if Matt maybe wouldn’t come home again. It scared him to think like that, but he was in such a state of panic that one possibility after another, one worse than the other, unfolded in his mind. He felt incredibly guilty for what had happened, for pushing Matt like that. He should have listened to Chris and maybe Matt would still be with him. He couldn’t lose him again.

He ran through the streets aimlessly, checking bars and open restaurants, but to no avail. The more places he checked the more desperate he became, the scenarios he’d painted in his head becoming more real than ever. He wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt and shivered when his body finally caught up with the coldness of the night. One more try and if Matt wasn’t there there would be no point to keep on looking and he’d make his way home defeated.

He passed Matt’s house and looked up to the windows. It stood dark like the drummer had expected, but there was a distinct tugging in his gut, the very same he’d felt back in the maze of Suzanne’s house.

New hope flared in his chest and he quickly made his way to the door and unlocked it. He listened intently for any sound coming from inside, but the house lay quiet. That was, until he heard a tiny jingling from somewhere. Was that the piano?

Unsure steps brought him to the living room. The instrument lay quiet now, but the man that had tinkered with the keys was still there, his silhouette visible even without any source of light.

“Oh thank god,” he exclaimed and immediately ran over to embrace Matt, who had just turned around in shock.

The singer tensed up at the contact, but Dom didn’t care. He’d been so scared, Matt would have to live with a minute of close contact.

“Dom-”

“Shut up. Please, just shut up for a moment.” He squeezed the small body tighter. “I was shit scared you were god knows where.”

“I was just here,” Matt whispered and shrugged it off. He didn’t seem to understand what had gone through Dom.

“I thought you fucking left, you tit! After our fight…”

“I just needed to get out for a bit. I didn’t-“

“I’m sorry for shouting at you, but please come home. I should have shut my mouth. You need your time, I know. I’m just so frustrated and don’t know what to do.”

Words were tumbling out of his mouth now with him having no control over it. It was all too much for him; losing Matt, getting Matt back but not in a complete way, realising Matt didn’t love him as much as Dom did, the frustration and drifting apart, the fighting. And then Matt was gone and Dom had feared he’d lost him again. He was probably overreacting, but his breaking point had been reached and there was no going back from that now.

“I woke up without you in the house and I thought you’d left or done I don’t even want to imagine what and I called Chris and didn’t know what to do. I was so scared. I know I’ve been a complete dick the past days, but please, don’t ever do that again. I need you. Shit.”

He let go of the singer to rub at his eyes, moisture trickling down his cheeks. His whole body suddenly shook with the effort to swallow the rush of tears and desperation.

“I don’t know what to do,” he said brokenly, his voice cracking with every syllable. “I want to help you, but you won’t let me. You just sit at home and let life pass you by. It breaks me to see you like this. I want to change it but I can’t and I’m losing you all over again. You’re the most important thing in the world for me and even though you don’t feel the same I want you to be okay. You don’t owe me anything, but please. Please. You-”

He shut his mouth tightly and closed his eyes. He was having his own personal breakdown right in front of Matt, what kind of help would that be? None, that’s right. He was supposed to be the strong one, the tower of strength Matt needed.

“I- I’m sorry, Matt. I didn’t mean to- I’ll be home if you need me.”

He turned around to leave as quickly as possible, but one of Matt’s hands shot out to grip his wrist. It was like a role reversal of sorts, with Dom trying to flee and Matt begging him to stay.

Dom didn’t move away, but he didn’t turn around either, so the singer let go of him and turned back to the piano. He raised his hands so the fingers would linger over random keys, but he didn’t press down, and instead simply stared at them.

“I didn’t want to leave, not completely. I just wanted to get out and figure some things out.”

The smaller man moved his fingers to different keys and repeated the whole process. The result was the same, no sound emanated from the piano.

“I’m sorry about everything.”

He sounded so broken in that moment, the first crack in his well-constructed mask, that Dom took an audible breath and slid down to sit on the floor with his back to the piano stool, his shoulders slightly touching Matt’s back. They both stayed quiet and collected their thoughts.
“You’ve been so very patient with me, and all I ever did was making your life harder. I just…” He stopped then, unable to continue.

Dom wanted to nudge him, make him continue to talk now that he finally seemed to want to open up. But he didn’t want to jeopardise it and risk that Matt would close up again, so he waited as patiently as he could and stared at the floor between his legs. Several minutes passed until he was rewarded.

“I don’t feel like myself anymore. I can’t play. I really want to, but every time I try it seems so hard, as if I’ve never learned how to do it. There’s a blockade I can’t break.”

Dom turned his head to look up to him. “There’s no pressure, Matt. If you can’t do it now, then later. Don’t stress over it, it will come back.”
Matt only shook his head in response. Dom turned around again and balled his hands into fists. The singer had always been too hard on himself when it came to music. Whenever he couldn’t get a riff right or couldn’t figure out the melody to a new song he’d stress over it to the point of sheer frustration. He’d never been the patient type, so it was no wonder that the same could be applied to his current situation. Yet, Dom couldn’t understand that Matt didn’t see things weren’t that easy this time.

“You don’t understand, Dom,” Matt spoke up when he realised the blonde wouldn’t say anything.

“Then enlighten me,” he begged. “Please.”

Silence followed. Dom was afraid to turn around, or move in the first place. He was afraid of doing the wrong move, of not getting the answer to the question he was afraid to ask. This was maybe his only chance, and if Matt shut him out now, there was a fair chance he’d do it forever.

But Matt spoke up again, and his voice sounded so fragile and vulnerable that it might as well have been someone else speaking.

“I feel like a ghost, or a shadow of myself. I’m not here anymore. Everything that once meant the world to me and made me me, it’s gone.”

“What are you talking about?” The blonde’s brow furrowed. “You said you were fine.”

A sigh. “I lied. Of course I lied.”

“But why?”

“I didn’t want to worry you,” Matt whispered weakly. His arms fell helplessly to his side.

“But if you need help-“

“No, Dom. No.” The singer almost sounded aggravated at the mere proposal. “I don’t want to go to a shrink, I don’t want to be- I’m not crazy.”

“I never said you were,” Dom replied, his voice rising before he could stop himself. “Stop putting words in my mouth.”

He didn’t mean to sound so harsh, and he definitely didn’t want to start another fight. They were finally having the much needed talk and arguments would only lead to more barriers.

Dom took a deep breath and righted his position. Matt turned to him almost frantically, probably afraid that Dom would get up and leave. The blonde, however, just patted the spot next to him.

“Come on, sit here with me,” he said calmly.

Matt obliged, albeit reluctantly, and leant against the other leg of the stool, both of them staring ahead without uttering a word. In a sudden bout of courage Dom reached out and laid his right hand on top of Matt’s left, the singer looking down with sad eyes.

“You should have come to me,” Dom started carefully. “I know you didn’t want to worry me, but you must have realised that I did so anyway. You’ve been so distant and different since you’ve come home.”

“I know, I’m sorry.” His shoulders sagged visibly.

“No, please. It’s just…”

People said Dom was a good talker, always knowing what to say when people needed advice. But now? Now his throat felt dry and his tongue like lead. He’d tried so long to understand Matt and his weird behaviour, not even realising that the answer was in plain sight. Yes, of course he’d known this wouldn’t be easy, but he’d imagined the singer as the strongest person he’d ever known, so he’d be fine sooner or later. He felt guilty of shutting his eyes before the obvious, simply because he didn’t want to think of it himself. How could he ever have thought that things could go back to normal? How could he ever imagine Matt could just put the past behind him and move on? Matt couldn’t go back to what Dom understood as normal, because Matt wasn’t the same anymore.

Matt squeezed his hand then and brought him back out of his thoughts. Dom looked at him, but the singer was more interested in the kneecap of his right leg which was slightly bent. He squeezed back in reply.

“I’ve tried to just go back to how things were. In the beginning, you know,” Matt continued, following Dom’s earlier train of thoughts, his voice cracking. “But I can’t. It’s like… It’s like a part of me is still down there, still locked up and that this part belongs to her and her alone.”

“Oh Matt.”

Dom grabbed Matt and pulled him half into his lap, his head pressed against the blonde’s chest. The small body shook forcefully after a few seconds, all of his constructed walls breaking at once. The façade had finally crumbled and Dom could see the scared man he’d found in the cell.

“Fuck,” a tiny broken voice whispered against his chest. “Fuck. I’m not… I…”

The singer’s hands clawed at the drummer’s arms as if he was trying to break through the fabric. In response Dom hugged him tighter and caressed the skin at the nape of his neck with feather light touches. Huge sobs wrecked the singer’s body, the tears now falling freely. Dom could do nothing, just comfort him and give him all the time he needed to get it out. Even though it pained his very soul to see Matt in such a state it was also a huge relief to see some emotion from him. It was progress, even if Dom didn’t like a single bit of it.

After a while, Matt spoke up again. “Do you really want to hear everything?”

“Of course,” Dom replied and moved his hand from the singer’s neck to his hair. “I want you to tell me everything, but only if you really want to. It’s okay if you’re not ready.”

“No, I want to. It’s… It’s just hard for me. It was a nightmare down there.”

“I understand.”

He pulled Matt closer, positioning his body between his legs properly instead of the awkward half-lying position. His head remained on Dom’s chest, one of the brunette’s fingers fumbling with the hem of Dom’s shirt. He struggled to find the right words, and wasn’t that still a completely new concept when it came to Matt Bellamy?

“Do you remember the huge mirror? The one that took over the wall?” the singer asked quietly and Dom nodded yes. “It was a... You know, she could just watch me from the other side and, dunno, see what I was up to. I don’t know how often she did it, but the possibility alone… It’s…”

“Frightening.”

“Yeah. It was easier when the lights were turned off but when they were on… She never followed a rhythm, so I lost my sense of time pretty quickly, I’m sure you figured as much.”

Another nod. “The constant checking on time and if the clocks were working properly.”

Matt simply continued, “She took so many pictures of me and forced me to play whatever she wanted to hear that day. At the beginning I still tried to struggle and fight. Fat lot it did for me, one time I got tied to the piano so I wouldn’t move away. Usually I just got beaten up, though. I couldn’t bear it anymore so I, you know, stopped fighting. Just gave up.”

Instinctively, Dom’s hand tightened in the singer’s hair. The other moved to under Matt’s chin and lifted it a bit, while Dom’s upper body bent down awkwardly to look at him properly. “Don’t think like that, Matt. You didn’t give up. I know you. You’re the most stubborn bugger on the planet. You only chose the smart way or they could have hurt you even worse.” Or killed you.

The thought of someone beating Matt, of hurting him still set his insides on fire and made him see red. If he could, he would go to the graveyard to dig out the bodies of these 2 monsters and burn them, claw through their bodies with bare hands and make them hurt just as much as they hurt his singer. Alas, there was no point. They were both dead; dead bodies didn’t feel pain anymore, no matter how much Dom wished it would be different.

He let go of Matt’s chin and the brunette resumed his position on his chest. He hummed in response and seemed to consider what to say next.

“I was so scared, you know? That guy, Jon, he was brutal and frightening. But Suzanne was more twisted. She didn’t even bat an eyelash when she killed him.”

Feeling the need to ask, Dom spoke ever so softly, “You had to watch that?” He wanted Matt to deny it, to say he didn’t have to see the brutal murder. He knew what Napolitano’s head had looked like at the end, after all.

Matt, however, nodded his head, a sad smile on his lips, his eyes staring at something far away. “Sat next to him when it happened. Thought she’d shoot me, but then she killed him. I had to clean my bed and stuff afterwards.”

“Fucking hell.”

Dom rubbed one of Matt’s arms vigorously. It was an unconscious action, as if he needed to get warmth back into Matt’s limbs. It didn’t stop him from shaking slightly. The images his mind was conjuring probably weren’t even close to what Matt had gone through, but they were enough to shake him to the core, the room feeling at least some degrees colder.

“It’s okay. It got easier after that.”

He doubted that things had gotten easier. But Matt said these things so matter-of-factly as if they were talking about who got which room backstage at a gig. They might as well have happened to someone else. It was a defence mechanism, no doubt, but still, it made Dom feel uncomfortable. Unspeakable things must have happened there, things Matt would most likely never tell him the details of, and that was maybe for the best.

“She seemed to be obsessed with you…”

“She was,” Matt agreed. “She was so proud to have me on her collection, but that wasn’t enough, apparently. She went on about how she saved me and how she’d bring out my true potential, away from you and other negative influences. According to her I needed guidance to be who I’m destined to be. Dunno.”

The drummer couldn’t help but be bitter about it. “Instead, she destroyed your love for music and killed what she so hard tried to save. Ironic, in a way.”

“Yeah.”

“But she was wrong, you know that, right?”

There was no reply and Dom didn’t know if Matt agreed with him or doubted him. His arms slung around the tiny frame and hugged the singer tighter in an attempt to transfer all the love Dom could give.

“It doesn’t matter what she thought,” he elaborated. “Who you’re destined to be is who you want to be. You define who you are, not me, not the fans, not anyone. You’re an eccentric, hyperactive and sometimes annoying person. But also a brilliant, kind and passionate individual. You’re destined for greatness, but that greatness doesn’t lie in our music. It’s part of it, yes, but even without it you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met and that’s why I love you so much. No matter what you do with your life, you owe it to no one but yourself.“

Again Matt didn’t comment on it, but something had changed. It might have been his foolish imagination, but Dom had the feeling he’d gotten through to Matt, the singer’s posture having changed even in his awkward position. Feeling bold, he brought up the much dreaded topic again.

“I know you don’t want a therapist, but maybe you should consider it. Just to have someone you can talk to properly and who can help you deal with this. It’s okay to admit you need help, Matt. I don’t think we can do this alone.”

There was a long silence before Dom felt the brunette’s head nod and a quiet “Okay.” reached his ears. Still, it had been there and took a huge amount from Dom’s shoulders.

He kissed the top of Matt’s head. “Thank you. It doesn’t mean you can’t come to me anymore, though. You can always talk to me, no matter what, okay?”

Matt hummed and sat up properly then, positioning himself in front of the blonde. The latter straightened up as well and held his breath, being nervous all of sudden. Matt’s eyes flickered to Dom’s face before they looked away again and the action was repeated. Then, the smaller man took a deep breath and finally locked eyes.

“You’re my best friend, Dom,” he stated firmly. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I don’t want to lose you, ever.”

Dom’s mouth opened and closed without a sound, Matt’s blue eyes so full of vulnerability that he just couldn’t get the words out.

“I want you.” His bony hand reached out to touch the blonde’s neck, feeling the pulse thumping steadily under his fingertips. “I want to be with you. But I… I can’t. Not right now. Not like this.”

Dom forced himself to stay still. He watched Matt’s face crumble and fresh tears forming in his beautiful eyes. The stroking of his neck didn’t cease, but the fingers became shakier the longer it went on. When Matt took another shaking breath Dom had to strain his ears to hear him speak.

“Please don’t leave me,” he said, the words sounding even more pained than the previous.

It was all it took for Dom to reach forward and hold the singer’s hands between his hands. More and more tears started to fall and Dom wiped every single one away with his thumbs. Matt steadied himself by holding onto Dom’s upper arms before he moved forward to touch his lips to the drummer’s. It wasn’t a proper kiss, just some unsure pecking, but to Dom it meant the world.

Matt wanted him. All these weeks of feeling unwanted and unloved were wiped away with that single sentence. But there were still other obstacles, the brunette needed to get better before they could start on their journey. He needed to overcome his depression and fears, and needed to start loving himself again. But that was okay. Even if it took Matt years to recover, Dom would be by his side and wait patiently. As long as Matt wanted him, he could wait an eternity if he had to.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he promised and kissed the smaller man’s temple.

Matt immediately pushed his face into the crook of Dom’s neck and the latter hugged him again. They refused to let go of each other now that they’d finally found each other again.

After a while Dom stood up and pulled Matt up with him, smiling softly. “Let’s go home, yeah?”

Matt hummed and closed the lid of the piano. He stared at it thoughtfully and Dom let him do. While the singer was lost in his own world he walked into the hallway. A single leather jacket still hung on the rack, the one he’d forgotten at Matt’s months ago but hadn’t bothered to take home, even after tidying the place. Now reasonably dressed for the walk home, he pulled out his mobile from his trouser pocket to thumb a quick message to Chris to let him know that everything was okay.

Found him, he’s ok. Will explain later. Sry 4 worrying u. D x

The reply was almost immediate.

Thank god. Take good care of him. Love you 2 wankers. C

He put the phone away and turned his attention back to Matt who’d left the piano to retrieve his jacket. A small nod from him indicated that he was ready to go and Dom opened the door for them.

When Matt’s hand carefully slid into Dom’s halfway into their walk home, the blonde knew that things would be okay somehow.
 
 
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